i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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