My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
