He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You did what with his pubic hair?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
