the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
