My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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