sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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