Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
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I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
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I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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