Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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