I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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