I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
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Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
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Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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