areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
