when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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