dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
