i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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