the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
