i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just forgot I was standing up.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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