you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
