can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
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she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
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Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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