We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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