you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Two words: nipple clamps
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