Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
