he shaved USA in his pubs
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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