I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
