WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
