I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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