clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Can I color on your dick again?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
