I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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