How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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