Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
