so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
well you can't waste a boner
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Randomize
