Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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