My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
