I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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