Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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