Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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