hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
