now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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