I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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