You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
