woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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