I wannas sexs uuuuu
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
