There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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