Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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