I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
