Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
