Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i came on her dog
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
