You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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