I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
