so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
