it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
