At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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