hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
