Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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