God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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