I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
