just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
