all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
