My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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