We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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