Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
