If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
