I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
