you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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