i wish starbucks made bloody marys
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
